I woke up this morning with an almost painful anxiety surge and a flood of memory of all the bad things i've done in my life and although i tried to go to sleep again, It just wasn't working. So I've been awake for the past 3-4 hours and finally had to "get up" because it was becoming too much to simply allow my brain to think things out. plus the trash trucks driving around are grating.

Yesterday I had a background check in-person interview, and the lady was formal and polite about it but I feel like I was just sitting in judgement of the entire government, who had access to people close to me and knew all the bad things i've done in the past 7 years. I had to explain my past drug use in ridiculous detail and I've never, ever had to sit and try to justify my situation like that. So I think now I'm just going over every mistake, regret, and lie i've ever told in my life and it's just an overwhelmingly depressing feeling thinking that some random events from 4-5 years ago I had to not only dredge up from my memory, but also it could threaten my job even though all threads of outcome for those situations have long ran out.

But it's not just my job that the interview made problems for. Like I said i've never been called out in such a way that I could not outthink my way out of it, and I'm going back over details about what I said to her, and even though It's "to the best of my knowledge", did I make any mistakes? Did I say anything in that moment that was incorrect or I knew to be wrong yet said it anyway? Can I even remember the names correctly of people I associated with in 2005 and if I told her the wrong name and she looks it up and it's not real I could get fired? Just all these crazy (and most likely exaggerated) thoughts in my head which have reached back into some real self-pity shit. I'm having existential panic attacks right now, questioning my own loyalty and credibility. What have I been doing with my life and what am I doing now? Is it a fate thing or would I be able to *not* care enough about what people think of me

What if I'm really a bad person who has been faking being nice this whole time? I know many of my friends have called me a "troll"...but what if I am? I can't change being a bad person if it's a core part of who I am; may as well ask me to stop being black. All those walls that I put up to dismiss petty criticisms were cracked and now I hate myself. Pouring out these words isn't helping much either. Fuck. Time is the worst concept. I feel like retreating from the world and just going to another country to start fresh without any of the baggage that comes with having a lot of friends and people you care about. I wish I could go back to when I didn't have many people to care about. Once I started making a ton of friends I started caring about my image and my perception,  and I definitely have suffered since then, even when I tried to go back to not caring. You can't go back. Even breaking the fakeness for fleeting moments at that point caused pain and loss for me. I've resolved since then to use whatever tricks necessary to not get or cause hurt, but this just blew the doors right the fuck back open. Ignorance is bliss? I know for sure after the fact that I don't feel better after being forced to tell so many truths.

My goodness. What a year it's been. Made new friends, lost some good ones..progressed in life more or less. Let's look back at my Resolutions:

1. Pay off all debts, bills, etc. Before I get my own place this needs to be done so I get no suprises and drop back into hard times.

2. Maintain and get further in TSA job or Stay part time and get a second job. Money will be needed to get a solo apartment.

3. Drop down to ~170 lbs. This is just because I feel myself getting slower in Pump it Up and i know it's not my reaction time. either my legs are weaker or i'm heavier (i'm heavier) even though i've been hovering at a decent 185-ish which is down from 200 last year. Another 15 lbs shouldn't be too bad.

4. Win a cumulative $5000 in poker at casinos. I need to play more often, and know when to quit. Can't play stupid and chase "heart of the cards" even though that is a main part of my playstyle. It makes the game fun but is not profitable.

1. Acheived - aside from my car, which is covered every month in full, all my major debts are gone. On top of that I have stopped using my useless Capital one card and moved onto Chase Sapphire, which has a limit 10x higher than CapOne. My credit score keeps going up!

2. WIP - Well due to the mechanics of the TSA (and me not knowing them at the time) this is really up for grabs. I am one year closer to becoming permanent and off probation, as well as getting a raise. The shift change threw some wrench in the second job department, but I'm sure now that I know more about the organization I can maneuver in it and come out ahead. 

3. FAIL - I did hit 170 for about a month, but that was while I was killing my Paypal and not eating when I got sick again. Overall this year I've stayed at 185, leading me to conclude that this is my new average weight, taking in all of how much I work out and all I eat. Also, I have stopped playing dance games as intensely recently due to my Yelping adventures and trying to save money by not going all the way out to Puente Hills anymore. 

4. I am up overall in gambling for 2011 but casinos really didn't do it for me as I thought they would in 2011. I spent less time playing online and less time overall playing Poker simply because of my work schedule. This year can definitely change that lull, but whether I will allow it to remains to be seen.

Last week I had another violent outpouring and the familiar pain of an impending kidney failure. thankfully I remembered the situation back in 2007ish and immediately went to the emergency room (by immediately i mean like 7 hours after i first felt it. I chilled in the emergency room for many hours in that silly little gown and had blood, urine, and all these other tests. I told them up front exactly what I had so they wouldn't waste time. When the doctor came back he said my kidneys were "knocking on the door of insufficiency". Well that's why I came to the damn hospital! If i waited 3 days they would be devastated and I'd be close to death again!

However how I got to this point again is what scares me, because I still don't know what triggers these. The first time it was Little Caesers pizza. But this time, the only thing I had to eat was som Popeyes chicken and sparkling cider. I had the cider before with no problems, and the Popeyes, well i get that stuff almost every week. I'm guessing it was undercooked chicken...and that's pretty much the only thing it could be.

On the more serious side of things, my friends and myself to a deeper extent, are worried about me. They ask "how is this happening?" And I can't give an answer. I don't know, and medical facilities can't very well tell me exactly what compound or chemical it is that fucks me up so much. I am also worried about the future. Will I have to be stuck to a dialysis machine when I'm older? Will I need a transplant? Heavy questions...but then again, I'm 28. I'm not getting younger and there are certain realities I'll have to face (like slowly going bald) whether I want to or not. I don't really have a peer or friend trusted enough to talk to, but there are a few I can vent to, and I think only one who will listen.

On top of that I need to start considering my 5-year plan and what resolutions to pick up for next year. As of December 5th, I'll officially have my TSA job for a year (the first time I've had a job this long since 2005?). I'm talking more with Nisha day by day and God bless her. There have been so many girls I've simply lost because I'm a slow man, very slow on the uptick and 99% ignorant of "the game", "signals", and all that icky relationship stuff. I honestly pretty much don't know how it works anymore.

I really thought I had a good thing going with Crystal. I liked her. I liked her to the point of calling her and being on the phone for hours at a time talking about nothing...something that never, ever happens. She was good at fighting games, witty, just a bit of sass, a great artist, thick but not fat, and had the cutest high voice ever...I did everything I could, including legitimate dates. We went to arcades, she met some of my friends, We even told each other how we felt...then just one night after some drinking, she made some poignant remark "no one has ever taken me this far" referring to getting to her apartment, opening the door for her and just standing in the courtyard of her complex. It was just a great moment. We had one of those moments where you see in movies where the two lovers stand in the darkness into each others' eyes. It was really great. It was the most earnest hug I've ever received (outside of my grandmother). The next day though I had a missed call from her house phone, and suddenly i'm removed from her FB, she's not returning calls, and changes her name. I was stunned for months. I realized some time later that it was me not picking up the signal that she was ready that very night to take it to the next level and I completely didn't read her signals at all. I don't know what she thought of course, but it must have been along the lines of "he doesn't love me as much" or something, and dumped me, with no explanation.

Through all that, Nisha (among other people) was my advisor and always made time to hang out with me. Truthfully I canceled on her way more than she did me, just because I was on a Yelp trip and she lives in San Pedro which is really far. It seems I always, always put other things before girls, and when I was on my excommunication, the wires got stuck and now it's even more difficult to become emotionally attached aside from a relatively superficial level. I'm going through this old friends list and Anna's journal is still up. She left signs for me too, which are obvious now. All those anime where the girl cusses the guy out for being an idiot.

Fuck.

And now I find myself getting attracted to Nisha. I dismissed her when I first met her as a vapid wanna-be singer, but she has shown incredible progress and lost weight and her songs are...well, they are fit to play on the radio. And that Indian accent, and her parents already like me; And as I step back from myself it seems i have been fucking up signals again. Well I've just been close to dying for the second time in my life. I feel like it's really time to start LIVING. My credit is good, my job is good, my car is good. My life is shakily getting on track after the derailments of unemployment of 2008-2010. It's time I took advantage of this opportunity.

2012 Indeed.

My Great uncle passed away this past Wednesday of Alzheimer's disease. It had been working him down for about 2 years now, and it was tragic to see his decline. In a way though it made his death easier to accept as nature taking its course.

His children (my cousins) are all in thier 50's and have no kids of my own. I believe I made a post in here months ago about how my dad's side of the family has no children of my generation - thus me and my brother are all that is left of the Marshall family name. I knew that the time would come where that family would begin its descent, and that time has come. But enough about me, I will try to remember as much as I can about this man.

Lyle and my great aunt originally lived very close to my parents house, maybe 5 blocks down the road, and a few houses down from our local church where I would attend in my early years. After sunday school i would trot over to their place and just hang out, have cookies or whatever they had around, and watch TV with him. He had his Man-Chair that I wouldn't even try to sit in; I would usually just sit on the floor. That house was where I first saw the Wizard of Oz, and where I first touched a computer (my grandfather's Commodore 64). Lyle was very much a guy in that he did his own thing around the house, and sometimes didn't want to be bothered, especially when he got to his studio. As kids we weren't allowed in the studio and the door and windows were locked so We had no clue what was actually going on in there until we got older.

Lyle was an amazing painter. Even today his work lie sin museums and libraries. He had a very cool, art-decoish style that was blended with thick black lines (almost like americanized kabuki style). He was an incredibly capable sketcher as well, and created photorealistic pictures of family members. On top of that he built a chair for me for I think my 5th birthday, which I still have to this day. Still sturdy.

He was a WW2 veteran, but his job was not glamorous. It was one of the most depressing I would say. He was tasked with spraying the dead bodies that were to return to keep them from rotting and keep the smell off. Lyle never really spoke of his Army days (i even had to pry information of his past out of my aunt), but he will be given full military honors at his funeral. I've never seen that in real life, only what I see on the History Channel. If I can make it out on Wednesday, I'd love to see it.

Lyle was, for the 27 years since I was born, the family grandmaster of Thanksgiving. Dinner would not start without him, and he would always be the one to say grace. Every year, even when we changed the dinner from His house to our house, to Palm Desert. He had a sharp wit (one of his sons picked it up actually thank goodness) and always had a great story to tell and jokes on hand to make every year an exciting event. The holiday is so close this year, and he passed right before it, which I think has thrown the entire holiday into question for the Marshall/Suter family. It's a very good thing that we had the Family Reunion this past summer, as there is now a full support group for my aunt, and maybe there can be some hope for future Thanksgiving dinners with them. But for now, and with my grandfather unable to travel due to surgery...I honestly fear this is the beginning of the end.

Other than that there are only a few tidbits of his life I know of:
-He was a Freemason and actually got far up in the ranks enough that he had a ceremonial sword and scabbard.
- His 3 kids are technically my cousins, we have a huge age gap between us though (30 years).
-He never enjoyed celebrating his birthday, at one point storming out of a restaurant while we sang happy birthday to him.


I suppose people mourn differently, but I can't understand how people could make myriad different posts on social networks about how sad and devastated they are that someone died, and how much they are crying - but not ever explain why they are crying about this person, or even who they are. Not even enough to put a name to the tragedy, they keep it all behind the scenes, never letting the full memory and scope of the person come to light. There is no empathy or context to the sadness, just cryptic updates about some nebulous event and now they are sad. It's extremely irritating.

The TSA has something called a bid Shift every year, when every worker (based on seniority) has to choose a new time and place to work, which includes hours and times and days off. I am very low on this totem pole and have been notified that there is approx. 0% chance I will keep the schedule I have. Isn't it unnerving to change how you live your life and your livelihood every year? Especially if you have children to take care of or serious debt management?
In any case, I choose on friday whatever i can scavenge from what is left after the people who have been here longer than I have had their fill. I'm expecting a change to mornings, with terrible days off and no night deferential, which means to keep paying for this car or to achieve anything, I may have to get a second job (or a load of overtime). Yes, 2012 will suck. But I've known that, since it's also the end of the world.

Nothing much else has been happening. The apartment deal went south and didn't happen. I continue to work and save up small bits of money here and there.

FRIDAY:
I decided last minute to go to the LA County fair and sent a mass text to see who wanted to go. Vest and Erick answered the call and I picked them up. We got there around 2.

Mainly I came to eat and look at the farm animals, but it was also the others' first time at the LACF so we walked around more than usual. There was an Asian American Expo there and Erick bought some Indonesian ramen box because they were really delicious.

As far as food, I had a ridiculous amount. Starting with a BBQ turkey leg, then deep fried BBQ ribs and fries. I bought a souvenir LACF cup so I could get cheap refills all day. Then I had some mini donuts, then I found the texas-size donut place, but this year they were selling maple-bacon versions...so I had to get one and I was instantly defeated by it.

later in the night I picked up some roasted chicken and funnel cake.

Erick and Vest went wine tasting, had some grilled oysters, shrimp ceviche, onion rings and some spiked lemonade in souvenir shaker cups. In between all the food they tried their hand at some carnival games (and failed, of course) then we went to see the animals! horses and cows and goats and pigs and Llamas, bunnies, chickens, etc. It was awesome. As we were walking away we even heard a donkey hyper-stereotypical "HEE HAW" a bunch of times. so cool!


After the fair Vest suggested we go to Hawaiian Gardens casino to play some cheap poker. that seemed like a good idea so we went. we played for about 3 hours and by the end of the night I was up like 15 bucks or so, while vest was down 60 or something. He's such a terrible gambler...anyway we left at 11pm and dropped everyone off after such a busy day.

SATURDAY:
I woke up and was not hungry, so I decided to go to Round 1 to play some pump. I sent out another mass text, and this time Phil and Dustin answered. So I picked them up (dustin had a new waterproof camera he was trying out) and we played at Round 1 for a while. Phil and this other kid downloaded a hack of the Pump store online and unlocked a sick amount of new options in Fiesta EX, and we also unlocked a bunch of new stuff in Pro 2. so there was no shortage of new stuff to try in the games. I didn't play as much as I wanted to, but i did get some SS's to save on my card. I dropped them back off at around 5:30 so I could get ready for Oktoberfest that night.

At first I wasn't even goign to go but Juan-Carlos had already bought my ticket so I threw on some nice party clothes and drove out. To save space, we carpooled in my car (Me, JC, Erick, Jedi, and Che) We arrived at like 7:45 or so (early) and the party was already going. First things first I got some "bier", 32oz cup. it was delicious. Then I made my way to the food and ordered a bratwurst with sauerkraut and potato wedges. Everything was top-notch. Everyone had a rowdy and raucous good time, and we left at like 12:30. I was able to eat, drink water, and then some Monster Rehab before so i was "the most sober" to be DD. I dropped everyone off without incident then rolled home blasting party music.

I started texting a ton of people but then fell asleep in the middle. Woke up today with basically no hangover. I gotta shave and I have work today, but this was really one of the best weekends of the year for me. nonstop activity!

Moving to an apartment with $515 monthly rent, at my current salary, leaves me with $265 (or, 133ish every 2 weeks) for all my other bills. Well my car bill is still being taken care of so I don't have a problem with that, but the only other bills I can see required to pay are my phone bill and car insurance.

Given the collision I was in I don't know if my rates will go higher, but my dad mentioned refinancing into my own personal loan and bypass his co-sign. I think my credit is good enough at this point to do that, but I'll have to look into that.

Is this a moment of change for me? Should I just fucking go for it and move out, and let the chips fall where they may?

There was a spat with Brian last week about how I interpret his friendship and what he considered his priorities. This has led me to accept that we aren't actually as good friends as I thought, and upon reflection the imbalance of actions compared to words falls heavily toward me, while spouting words with no actions falls on him. I will be taking that shift into account in the coming months and also rethinking my other friendships, such as with Dustin, who has proven to be a pretty good friend despite also being broke and having no job, etc. It's like seeing the forest for the trees finally, I am seeing a big picture. I hate to repeat what I've seen from Desmond, but it really is a matter of figuring who is really a friend because they want to be friends, or someone who is a friend out of convenience (because you have a car and money, they take advantage of you and don't help out when you need it).

Meanwhile, I almost had a spat with Evelyn about our friendship, but we were able to get past it and go to Raging Waters this weekend! That was pretty awesome. Most of the waterslides are pretty tame, with a few exceptions. I didn't go on Drop Out, but I hit up the Speed Slides once. We hit every other slide like Dr. Von Dark's Tunnel of Terror, Neptune's Fury, and the Dark Hole. I tried to get her to ride High Extreme, but she bitched out and took the long walk back down, despite everyone telling her it wasn't that bad (the slide was rated a 3 out of 5...Dark Hole was a 4 for comparison). Later in the day she did regret going. Thankfully I bought a Season Pass, which gives me the rest of this year AND all of 2012 entrance for free! So next year i'll be hitting up Raging for sure.

I went to Round 1 that same evening, and ended up pulling my hamstring after doing a freestyle -_-. I haven't had that happen to me in a long time, so I almost forgot how to massage the muscle back into place. My weight has gone up a it recently and I think it's time to take more seriously eating better, or at least cutting calories and exercising more after work. I've only gone to the gym twice in the past 4 months.

So it's been a week since the Family Reunion. All went reasonably well i suppose. There was no real drama and I met my 3rd cousins and my 4th.

Robert and Alexis Mackenzie are definitely "urban hip hop" but not ghetto per se. Basically normal twenty-somethings (though rob is 32). They live in Bermuda; Rob is a chef and Alexis wants to be a dentist. Those are pretty good dreams and they are on their way to achieving them. Also hung out with Eric, one of the uncles I've had for a while and one of the only sane members of the Suter family. He worked as drama defuser and funnyman for most of the trip.

The Reunion dinner was shitty. We used Cromer's Country Market, which for literally 20+ years has been our #1 spot for buying any sort of deli food, but this time was a rare miss with very dry sliced turkey and watery gravy. Too bad. There was also some potato salad and ham and chef salad, but the main course was bad which kind of put a damper on the dinner. Instead of everyone sitting at the table, a lot were simply milling about the outside deck drinking.

Me, my brother, Alexis, Rob, and Eric all went bar hopping that Friday night just to be out of the house and have some "young people" time (again...even though Eric is mid-50's he is cool enough to hang with us). Went to two bars of which the second one was much cooler than the first. They had this game where a metal ring was suspended from fishing wire from the ceiling, and you had to swing it so that it gets looped onto a hook that was attached to the bar pillar. It was really tricky (moreso when drunk of 6 drinks and 2 beers), but eventually I focused enough to get the swing and positioning right and looped it. Unreasonably happy at that haha.

But sadly I was only there for one day. The drive back to JFK was torture. I had to leave at 7am, and there was a downpour. My phone had GPS'd only streets (well, one main street) instead of the freeway that would have taken me directly to the airport. So while driving down the streets-which I didn't mind since I never really see sidestreets of NYC like that- The rain just kept coming down ridiculous, and i had to take more than two detours due to flooded streets and underwater bridges. Apparently they got 11 inches in 2 days, so there were a lot of backed-up water channels. It was insane but my trusty rental (Mazda 3) made it in time.

At JFK I arrived about 3 hours early or something, so I needed to eat. There was only Panda express and Buffalo Wild Wings. well I was not down for having more Panda Express, so that left my only option the BWW which we all know I am not a fan of. Well I believe in second chances and this location was 3500 miles from the Crenshaw one, so I decided to go again. The place had just opened and was empty (this is 10am btw), with only one waitress who was putting together the utensil packs. I ordered the Ribs and Chicken Strips with huckleberry lemonade.

Surprisingly, it was really damn good! the ribs were hot and freshly cooked, and the chicken tenders were juicy and had some good BBQ dipping sauce. Even the fries were golden and crispy. This is how I assumed it would be at all locations, and definitely worth going back to. Now that I'm back in LA I'm gonna try out some of the non-ghetto locations and see if they follow closely to the JFK location.

When I got back to LA I had 45 minutes to change into my uniform and get to work at the International Terminal, which I did flawlessly. A credit to Virgin America for being so punctual that I could even attempt doing a reckless endeavor like that.

Alright well I am still able to go to New York, albeit for a shorter time. I'll simply be gone on my Days off, meaning I'm leaving Friday morning, and coming back Sunday afternoon, hopefully in time to go straight to work. I very much am looking forward to getting out of LA for even a while and sitting on our deck in the Hamptons...maybe with a nice drink and with Mozart at my side LOL!

Well the family reunion is still on the agenda and I guess I may still be a designated driver for the time i'm there. I want to meet my 'new' family really bad. I don't know what to expect out of them so i'm keeping a blank slate. As long as they aren't thug (OH GOD PLEASE NOT THAT); then again they probably would not be out there if that was the case.

I'm trying to cut soda out of my life by relying on soda substitutes, and right now the best ones are "Sparkling Ice" carbonated mountain spring water with a bunch of different flavors zero calories and such. I randomly bought a bottle and it was really fucking good (and I'm not one of those people who likes "zero calorie" shit). So I'm drinking that more as well as Monster Rehab, which yes is a Monster drink, but it's tea and lemonade (aka Arnold Palmer), 10 calories, non carbonated and still had energy without all the sugar. Plus Quercetin which is some sort of awesome mineral which I have felt better, clean energy. So yeah, those two are getting me out of Mountain Dew and Pepsi and the other 300-calorie sodas. I've already lost a general 5 lbs of non-water weight.